Lazy me

It has been awhile since my last post. It's not that because I was too busy or that I had nothing to write about. I was just too lazy. Laziness could be a scary thing. And like everything else, once it become a habit, it's hard to change. Looking back the past few months of my life, it seems like I stop growing or something. Time pass faster when you are living aimlessly. I really think it's time for me to change that bad habit before it's too late. How? to be candid, I have no clue. I am thinking maybe to start with spending a few days a week to polish my poor English; or maybe to learn something new in my field that I don't already know; or be more practical, like finding a new job. um...sounds like a lot of work, guess I better get my lazy ass moving now.

My Fundraising Web Page

My first fundraising ever, I'm excited!!

Sad

Looking back in the past few years, things were going my way. I got a job, I had a girlfriend, I accepted Christ as my savior, I earned my CPA license, I got rid of a few bad habits, I finished my first ever marathon, I went to Europe for the first time, the list goes on and on. I was very blessed and I am really thankful for that.

Today, however was definitely not one of those days. In fact, I haven't been this sadden for a very long time. We broke up today. It was nobody's fault; for the matter of fact, if I really have to point the finger, it would've been my fault. I am sad not because of the result...well...I should say not totally because of the result. I truly believe our decision is best for the both of us. I am sad because it is nobody's fault and I am hurting someone who I care for. Knowing my personality, I know it would've been much easier for me if there was a dramatic cause or something. Instead now, I am struggled as to what to do. Things like...should I still call her once in awhile? Will she feel sorrow hearing my voice or may even think I am shedding crocodile tears? On the other hand, if I disappear just like that. I don't want she to think after sharing her love with someone for so long, and that person becomes completely indifferent just like that. I know I wouldn't want that happening to me, and more importantly, that is not the case.

Earlier today, a friend of mine told me this; why does it even matter? unless you guys still want to get back together, what is the point of showing that you still care for your ex? Well...as much as I want to argue with him, I was tongue-tied on my retort. It crossed my mind that, maybe that's what she is thinking too; that you are either in my life or just leave me alone. ~Sigh~ don't make things any worse Edmond, you've done enough damage already, maybe you should just shut up and fuck off...

The Inevitable

Ever since that moment, I was feeling betwixt and between about my decision. But today, my doubts are finally gone. I came to realize it's not how much goods or bads a person has, nor how well that person is treating you that's the most important. People change, the goods you see today maybe the deal breaker tomorrow, and someone who treat you like king today can be careless about you tomorrow. So what is the most important? the answer may sound lame but I think it's Love. Forget about looks, careers, cars...all those craps. Stop being rational for a moment and just answer honestly: how much do you really love that person; and how much do you think that person really loves you. The answer can be cruel, but I think that's what only matter at the end of the day. Back to me, I think today I finally know the answer to those questions and they are 1) not enough, and 2) not much.

I indubitably can feel the disconnection lately. And when two people are just inches apart but have no communication at all, almost like trying to disguise their inner feelings. That indeed is sad, and I feel bitter for that. I realize some things really can't be repaired, trust for example, my heart is sinking right now, I can't find a word to describe...I am such a lousy boyfriend...I hate me...

But it is what it is, I truly believe God loves us all and has plan for all of us, I know we will be fine...I wish you the best...

MADNESS

Just when I thought summer is almost over, it strikes back stronger than ever. It was so freaking hot I felt like I was about to die after a 30 min. run today. My car even indicated 106 F on my way home. YES! IT'S 106 F! THIS IS MADNESS!!!